


After All This Time (Still you)

by yeonbinnie_babies



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: 4k+ words of angst, Angst, Break Up, Crying, Did I say angst? BC angst, Flashbacks, Im tired, M/M, Regrets, idk this is sad, kinda heavy angst, mentioned taegyu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:13:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24787504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yeonbinnie_babies/pseuds/yeonbinnie_babies
Summary: Beomgyu recently got into a breakup and Yeonjun, as his best friend, offers him comfort but it somehow ended up to him reminiscing the past.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Kang Taehyun, Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun
Comments: 5
Kudos: 52





	After All This Time (Still you)

**Author's Note:**

> idk what goes on but it happened

Another sheet of tissue was thrown down on the floor, joining the piling up mountains of other sheets that were already used earlier. They lied there, crumpled and wet as they served to be the remnants of the seemingly never-ending flow of tears running down the poor male’s face.

A sob followed by the sound of tissue being pulled from its box was heard once again in the quiet living room and Yeonjun couldn’t do anything else aside from to sit there and watch his best friend bawl his eyes out. Letting his tears speak out what his heart couldn’t because it has been torn in pieces and he’s still feeling the pain, hurting from the inside and out.

“I don’t understand,” Beomgyu cried out, holding the blanket close to himself as he faces Yeonjun with red-shot eyes and flushed cheeks. His nose has gone visibly redder too, probably due to excessive blows and constant rubbing. “I asked him multiple times if there’s something wrong or if there’s something he wanted us to talk about but each time he denied there’s anything! And now—now this? He broke up with me j-just like that?”

Yeonjun sat in silence, watching his friend sniffs and then abuse the innocent pillow trapped helplessly in his dangerous hold.

It’s not like Yeonjun doesn’t want to say anything but rather, he doesn’t know what’s there to say. He fears that he might speak out something in hopes of consoling the broken-hearted male but it would come out wrong which would then lead to Beomgyu misinterpreting what he means and that doesn’t sound impossible considering his friend’s vulnerable state.

So instead of comforting the male through words, he chose to just move closer. Putting his arm around Beomgyu and gently patting his back in an attempt to calm him down.

The moment Beomgyu felt Yeonjun’s figure closer to him, he looks up, expression broken and so pitiful as if he has been kicked and left alone to suffer injury.

But perhaps, that would’ve been better compared to his condition right now; instead of being beaten up, he has his heart returned back to him. The only difference is that, it’s now broken in two when it used to be whole when he blindly offered it to his now ex-lover.

“Hyung,” he whimpered, lifting the blanket up so Yeonjun could join him under it and when the older did just that, Beomgyu wasted no time in snuggling into his friend’s chest and continued crying there. Using Yeonjun as his own personal hybrid between a handkerchief and a teddy bear.

Although it’s been past 2 hours already since Beomgyu started his wailing, Yeonjun did not dare try to make the boy stop and do things to hopefully cheer him up. He just let him cry and cry as he wishes to do so.

However, don’t get him wrong. Yeonjun isn't trying to be painted out as a bad friend and appear to not sympathize at all. In fact, he is sympathizing a lot; enough to know that there isn't anything in the world at this moment that could lift Beomgyu’s mood up.

He knows that the male has to pour all his heartache out and cry to his heart’s content until he feels even just a little bit better.

Yeonjun knows and understand exactly what his friend is feeling right now. Knows that feeling of being repeatedly stomped on deep inside all too well because he used to be in Beomgyu’s place.

There was once a time from 3 years ago that he was the one sobbing and suffering from heartbreak.

He remembers himself shutting everyone out because he didn’t feel like doing anything at all other than to wallow in self-pity and trying to drown in his bed covers.

So he assumes that’s what Beomgyu feels too, right now.

And Yeonjun isn't going to blame him.

Breaking up with someone you thought you’d spend your whole life with hurts like a bitch.

He had been there, done that.

Beomgyu’s loud cries turned into quiet sniffles a couple minutes later and Yeonjun could totally feel the dampness on his shirt when Beomgyu lifted his face off his chest and tilts his head to look at him.

Yeonjun looks back, catching sight of the trails of drying tears on friend’s cheeks as the male rubs his tired swollen eyes with his balled fists.

“Hyung can I…can I ask you something?” Beomgyu softly spoke, his voice low and sounding hoarse due to his emotional episode.

Yeonjun hums, reaching his hand out to fix Beomgyu’s hair that managed to stick out in all directions. “What is it?”

It left the older curious and his brows furrowed slightly when instead of talking right away, Beomgyu appears to be skeptical.

He has this expression on which seems like he was having a debate inside his head and had let out a wrong claim before he could catch himself.

He was hesitant and it only made Yeonjun intrigued even more.

“Beom? You know I won’t judge, right?”

“No—no it’s not like that, hyung.” Beomgyu was quick to defend and erase whatever idea Yeonjun has come up with. He then looks down, fumbling with the hem of the blanket as he cautiously talks. “I just want to ask if…”

“If?” Yeonjun urges on when Beomgyu takes longer than necessary to finish his words.

“If—If this is what you felt like when you and… _Soobin_ hyung broke up.”

Yeonjun stops his movements. His body tenses up against his will.

 _Oh._ He thought. _So this is why he looks hesitant._

When was met with silence that’s beginning to feel uncomfortable, Beomgyu raises his head again to see his hyung’s reaction and immediately felt like taking back his words when he saw Yeonjun frozen like a statue.

Of course his hyung is still affected by it although he swears he isn't anymore. It’s a sensitive subject for him after all and Beomgyu feels stupid for bringing it up.

“I’m sorry hyung—I shouldn’t have brought that up. I don’t even know if it’s okay for you to mention his name again. I’m sorry—“

“It’s—It’s fine.” Yeonjun was able to let out after his moment of astonishment.

He forced out a chuckle, shaking his head as he lies back down on the couch. An unwanted feeling of something unknown tightening his chest up caused him to dig his fingernails onto his palm.

“I was just startled you mentioned _him_ out of the blue.”

Him _. Choi Soobin._

The one who takes the lead role in his tragic love story.

Yeonjun hates that the mere thought of his name could still make him feel things he doesn’t want to feel anymore.

Even after all these years.

“But is it really okay for me to ask about it?” Beomgyu tried again just to make sure he isn't crossing any line.

Sure, he feels heart broken right now and his chest aches and he can’t think straight but he still doesn’t want to cut open his friend’s already fading scars.

If it really faded, that is.

“Yeah…I guess.” Yeonjun slowly said but there’s this nagging voice at the back of his head that screams _‘No. He’s not yet okay.’_

He ignored it.

“When did this turn out to be about me, by the way?” Yeonjun added playfully in hopes that it would distract him away from that unsettling feeling.

Beomgyu didn’t answer immediately. Instead, he went to copy Yeonjun’s earlier actions and lied back down on the couch too.

Their heads rest on opposite sides of the sofa as they lay facing each other. Thankfully, the blanket is big enough to cover both of them.

“I just want to know if this is what you felt before too. If—If this is a natural response to a break up because I feel like all the lights are fading out on me and I’m about to get lost in the dark. And if this is how you felt—then that would mean I can find my way out of it too.” Beomgyu explained so seriously that if this is one of their usual random conversations Yeonjun would have laughed and teased him for it.

But then the younger opened his mouth again to add something more and that’s when Yeonjun recalled it is a serious matter. So serious that he felt like he’s being taunted by Beomgyu’s next words.

“Because you did, right?”

Did he? Did Yeonjun really get over it or he just learned how to live with the void of emptiness that he had stopped trying to desperately fill it?

But of course he wouldn’t let his own predicament meddle with Beomgyu’s so Yeonjun only smiled and decided to say what he believes Beomgyu needs to hear.

“Yes, and you’ll find your way out of it too.”

Silence envelopes the two males again after that because Yeonjun doesn’t know what to say. Again.

Or maybe he does.

Maybe he does know what he wants to say but chose not to because he won’t be able to stop talking. And then it will get too much— too much to handle like what happened that night because he couldn’t stop his mouth from talking that Soobin had enough and—

“Hyung?” Beomgyu called out and Yeonjun felt thankful he did before his brain could have the chance to replay that scene he tried so hard to forget.

Tried.

“Hmm?” The older hums in response, not really trusting his voice not to break if he answered.

Why is he even feeling this way?

It’s all over.

He’s passed through it and he’s okay. He’s doing fine and talking about that tragic experience shouldn’t make him feel otherwise because he had already moved on.

“You never really told me what happened.”

Yeonjun doesn’t know if it’s a good thing that Beomgyu’s done crying but seems to have taken interest on his failed relationship.

“You guys were happy— you and Soobin hyung. You never had any huge fights and I was envious because your relationship seemed so perfect and I always thought you two would end up together.” Beomgyu pauses, checking up on Yeonjun who has his head bowed down, staring at his hand.

 _I thought so too._ Yeonjun wanted to say but he couldn’t.

“Yeonjun hyung what happened?”

And just like that, all the memories he shared with the person whose name still leaves a bitter taste on his mouth came crushing down on him in massive tidal waves— washing over him in such force that Yeonjun felt like he can’t breathe. He was drowning, drowning once again in the lost fragments of _Choi Soobin._

“You mentioned that we never had a huge fight, right?” Beomgyu slowly nods his head but then realized that Yeonjun couldn’t see his action so he opened his mouth to speak to let the other know he’s listening.

However, when Yeonjun suddenly lifts his head up and looks at him with eyes void of any emotion aside from loneliness, all words Beomgyu knows just vanish out of thin air.

“It was because Soobin—“ the name rolls of Yeonjun’s tongue in an ironically unfamiliar way, creating a lump on his throat the he forced himself to swallow.

“Soobin never let any of our arguments get bigger than necessary. He was always composed when we discussed matters between us unlike me who tends to blow up all the time.

“He was always calm and so, so patient with me that’s why I was so shocked when this one night happened and we were arguing—it was mostly just me unable to control my mouth while Soobin just listened to my outbursts like he always did every time I start a needless argument.

“But that night was different. That night he finally snapped and didn’t comfort me like he used to always do. That night was the first and only time he got fed up of me and—“

Yeonjun managed to curl his lips up in a smile. But unlike his usual smiles, this one is full of remorse, of repressed wanting, of unspoken apologies and of unhealed wounds caused by a broken love.

“—and the next thing I know, he was done.”

~*~

_The atmosphere shared by the two was tense on their ride back home to Soobin’s apartment but neither of them broke the thick silence._

_Although the both of them were aware of the upcoming storm that was bound to happen, none of them dared to start it now, choosing to wait until they set foot inside the apartment and just suffer the suffocating quiet tension in the car for the time-being._

_It was supposed to be a great day._

_Today was supposed to be about just the two of them and they were supposed to just enjoy each other’s presence after being unable to for the past two weeks they had been busy._

_They were looking forward to this day, had been excited and had prepared everything meticulously so nothing could ruin it._

_But maybe they had become too assured._

_Maybe Yeonjun had become too assured._

_He didn’t want to think too much about it. he tried to ignore the negative thoughts swarming around his head as to not dampen their mood but when they bumped into Soobin’s colleagues at work on their way inside the cinemas, it was like a switch got flicked and Yeonjun gave up to his pessimism._

_It might not looked like that big of a deal and you might say that Yeonjun was just overthinking but when Soobin got engaged into the conversation like Yeonjun wasn’t there, it felt like such a huge blow to his gut._

_Soobin didn’t even bother introducing him to his colleagues._

_And that was the cue for Yeonjun’s destructive thoughts to go wild._

_The cue for his insecurities to rise back up into the surface._

_The cue for his doubts to get awoken again._

_And then they weren’t able to see the movie Yeonjun was gushing about for days because he suddenly didn’t feel like it anymore._

_Soobin immediately noticed the sudden change of attitude and tried to cheer his boyfriend up but it seemed to Yeonjun that Soobin wasn’t even aware of the reason why his energy went down, causing him to be even more upset so they just ended up on the ride back home with an uncomfortable tension surrounding them._

_It was maybe around 5 minutes later that they finally reached Soobin’s front door and whoever pointed out the problem first, they didn’t know. But it ended with the two of them arguing in the living room with Yeonjun trying his best not to cry while he let his feelings out._

_“—you didn’t even think about introducing me to them and continue having a conversation like I wasn’t there—like your boyfriend wasn’t there beside you the whole time.”_

_“You’ve already met them before so I thought it wasn’t needed anymore. And I was trying to get you to talk but I don’t know why you were suddenly so quiet—“ Soobin was interrupted from his explanation when Yeonjun scoffed._

_The male was standing across him, a scornful smile on his face and Soobin could already tell this argument wouldn’t end well if they wouldn’t stop it already._

_“You don’t know because you had your focus on someone else rather than me.” Yeonjun retorted, hand pressing on his chest to emphasize his point as he glared at Soobin who was just calmly listening to him._

_“I thought this day was supposed to be about us, Soobin? So what was that? Why was it so easy for you to forget that I was there?”_

_“Baby we could talk about this properly, okay?” Soobin tried to reach out when he saw the first drop of tear from Yeonjun’s eyes. Had already dealt with this situation lots of times to know that more teardrops would follow after that and from the look on Yeonjun’s face, Soobin knew he was about to break down and that means his emotion would take over afterwards._

_“No!” Yeonjun cried out, avoiding Soobin’s arms and staring up at him through tear-filled blurry eyes._

_Soobin hated seeing Yeonjun crying like this that’s why he always tried his best to not let their fights turn big. He always managed to stay calm as to not meet Yeonjun’s frustrations that would just result into an unnecessary conflict._

_He didn’t like arguments and he certainly didn’t like it when he has one with his boyfriend. So he always made sure to end it as soon as possible._

_Soobin just wished he wouldn’t run out of patience._

_“I know you told me not to worry over this kind of things because you said they were irrelevant and absurd but I can’t help but think about them from time to time especially when you’re not around. And—and when you actually are, it feels like my worries could possibly be true and I don’t know what to think anymore.”_

_It didn’t stop there._

_A lot more strings of sentences left Yeonjun’s mouth that Soobin was sure he had already heard before._

_It always went down like this._

_They would begin with sometimes, a completely different matter but somehow the quarrel would escalate to Yeonjun’s worries and his insecurities about their relationship._

_Soobin had told him countless of time snot to dwell with those thoughts. He did his best every time to assure Yeonjun in hopes of getting rid of those doubts and second-guessings but why did it feel like it wasn’t enough?_

_Why did they always have to fight over the same thing again and again?_

_Were Soobin’s advances really not enough?_

_What about him? Was he not having worries and concerns about their relationship too? Did he not need assurance too?_

_Why was Yeonjun acting like he was the only one having this kind of fear?_

_Soobin was too._

_He had his fears and insecurities too but he made sure not to let it affect them. He made sure not to make it the root of their arguments but why was Yeonjun being kind of unfair?_

_Soobin was just silently watching while Yeonjun poured out his tirades out but unlike the other times when his mind was filled with solutions to coax Yeonjun down, his mind was being filled with questions right now._

_They were circulating around his brain and Soobin was slowly losing himself into them._

_Soobin was hurt._

_Watching Yeonjun cry and burst into seams because of him was painful and to think that he had done his efforts to avoid this but it still happened again, hurt him more._

_It was so damn excruciating._

_Especially when Yeonjun let out his next words._

_It snapped Soobin out of his thoughts._

_Also managing to snap his heart into unknown number of pieces._

_“—and I bet it would be so easy for you to replace me. Maybe you already did.”_

_Yeonjun swore he didn’t mean them._

_He was just so hurt and too far gone with his negative thoughts that he let them consume him._

_And the moment he realized what he had just said, it was already too late._

_Soobin was already looking at him with an astounded expression._

_Like an arrow made up of Yeonjun’s spiteful words pierced his heart and he was now bleeding and Yeonjun couldn’t run up to him to mend his wounds because he was the one who shot him._

_“You—You think I’m cheating on you?” Soobin felt like thousands of bricks just fell upon him as he asked that question._

_He met Yeonjun’s gaze. His eyes slowly losing their shine and they were starting to turn dark and blank and Yeonjun couldn’t breathe._

_He wanted to divert his gaze elsewhere—anywhere, just so he wouldn’t have to see those pained eyes._

_And he was the cause of it._

Apologize Yeonjun. Apologize.

_“I—“_

I’m sorry I didn’t mean that.

_That was what he wanted to say but his mouth betrayed him._

_“I didn’t say you are.”_

Shut up, Yeonjun. Just shut up!

_“But you implied it.” Soobin whispered in the dark. That if Yeonjun was to step just a few inches away, he wouldn’t be able to catch it. Soobin said it like he was not aiming for Yonjun to hear. He just said it out of utter disbelief._

_Yeonjun bit his lower lip so hard and his nails that had been digging onto his palms since earlier had now manage to draw a bit of blood but the pain he felt wasn’t because of those._

_It was because of Soobin’s shaky sigh as Yeonjun watched him close his eyes and then there were tears that trickled down his pale cheeks right after._

_And fuck. Yeonjun needed to keep his mouth shut. He needed to stop talking._

I’m sorry, Binnie. Please don’t cry. I’m sorry.

_“Do you not trust me? At all?”_

I do!

_“I don’t know.” Yeonjun turned his head away when he saw Soobin opening his eyes again._

_He couldn’t._

_He couldn’t look at those eyes and know he was the reason why they now appeared so lifeless._

_Yeonjun felt like he was going to vomit. His head hurt. His vision was turning blurry._

_Yeonjun couldn’t breathe._

_“I can’t—I can’t do this.”_

_He heard the footsteps._

_He closed his eyes._

_He waited for a pair of arms to embrace him._

_He waited for a kiss on his forehead._

_He waited for the warmth that always came at the end of each fight._

_He waited for Soobin to approach him because that was what always happened._

_The footsteps came into a halt but Yeonjun was still cold._

_There was no warmth that enveloped him like he was expecting._

_Instead, Yeonjun was met with two words._

**_“I’m done.”_ **

_Yeonjun still waited. His eyes were still close._

_Soobin would eventually come to him, right? Because that was what always happened in the end._

_Soobin said he was done._

_He meant with the argument, right? It couldn’t possibly be that, right?_

_But why wasn’t Soobin pulling him close to his chest yet?_

_Yeonjun fluttered his eyes open to look at Soobin._

_He wished he didn’t._

_Then maybe he wouldn’t be haunted by the sight of Soobin walking away from him._

_If he didn’t open his eyes then maybe his brain wouldn’t replay the sight of Soobin leaving him behind every single day when he wakes up in the morning._

_If he didn’t open his eyes back then, then maybe he wouldn’t have had to find out what Soobin meant when he said ‘he was done’._

_Maybe he wouldn’t have to face the reality that Soobin meant he was done with what they have._

_~*~_

“It would actually be funny in a different context because we were at his apartment but still, he was the one who left.” Yeonjun quickly wipes the tears off his face like he learned to do after the breakup because Soobin isn't there anymore to wipe his tears away for him.

Beomgyu watched it all happened—witnessed how his best friend tried to remain collected while telling the story of how they ended.

If he was to consider the years that passed since that night but Yeonjun still falls apart like this when reminiscing the events that took place, Beomgyu couldn’t even imagine the pain his hyung must had felt that very moment.

He could feel his heart aching and he’s now starting to feel bad because he had been so oblivious of Yeonjun’s pain and struggle.

All this time he wasn’t aware of how big of a burden his hyung was carrying.

It must’ve hurt really badly to think that it’s the first time in years that Yeonjun talked about it.

And now that he heard the story, Beomgyu doesn’t know what to make of it.

Their ending was so abrupt.

“But you know,” Yeonjun continued, looking at Beomgyu with a bitter smile. “I think it would’ve been better if I was the one who left—because being left behind in a place surrounded by his traces was so suffocating. It was like, everywhere I looked, there were taunting eyes—mocking me as if saying that I was the only one who doesn’t belong there.

“At least, not anymore. And with that, I left—not because I wanted to but because I had to.

“What’s the point of me staying there when he made it clear he couldn’t go on anymore? And I had to go out to breathe because I couldn’t. Not when he ended everything between us just like that.”

“Is that why you were so mad at him? Because he just left instead of talking it out like before?” Beomgyu managed to croak out, searching Yeonjun’s eyes for confirmation but the older avoided his gaze and went to stare into a distance. Like he was being held captive by an unknown haze of longing.

“Maybe,” Yeonjun’s voice was low and unsteady. “I was desperate to forget so maybe that’s why I made myself believe I hate him. Because when someone you love so deeply suddenly decides to leave you, you have to be mad—you have to hate them so you can get over them.” He closed his eyes, face contorting into an expression of dullness. “Because if that person decides they don’t want you anymore while you still love them, how will you survive?”

“But Soobin hyung did. He loved you even right then. He might have just been feeling too overwhelmed that’s why he did that. But he loved you, everyone knew that—“

Beomgyu didn’t know where that urge to defend his old friend came from but he did. Probably it was because he was there to witness their relationship and had seen how the male loved his hyung but when Yeonjun interrupted him with new set of tears streaming down his face, Beomgyu thought that he should’ve just stayed quiet.

“I know…I know that—but I was stupid and ignorant and was drowning in my insecurities to pay attention. Because sometimes we just automatically assume other people show love the way we do and if they don’t, we worry it’s not there.

“And you know how affectionate and vocal I could get while Soobin tends to show his love silently. In a complete different way than mine so I worried a lot and I couldn’t control it that it began to be the only problem we fought about and then one time he just gave up.”

Yeonjun was now crying again, tears after tears that the blanket around him was slowly getting soaked.

“—and it was my fault.”

The built up remorse hit him once again and now he’s wondering about what things could’ve been for them for the thousandth time if he had just realized things sooner.

Maybe Soobin would still be beside him.

Yeonjun shakes the thoughts away, telling himself it’s no use since he’s already three years late.

However, there’s a relationship that could still be saved as to not end up like his.

He’s not letting Beomgyu to end up regretting like him.

Yeonjun wipes his face on the blanket, not caring anymore as he lets out a chuckle when he saw Beomgyu’s perplexed expression at his gross action.

Before Beomgyu could even scold his friend, he received a throw pillow on his face, courtesy of Choi Yeonjun who’s now laughing at him when he was just crying his heart out a few moments ago.

This bipolar bitch.

Or maybe he just learned how to become an expert in masking his true emotions.

But no one has to know about that.

“Ow!” Complained Beomgyu, “What was that for!?”

“That was me waking you up!” Yeonjun poked his tongue out, getting up from the couch and wincing when he felt his legs numbing after sitting for hours.

“Anyway, instead of moping around like that, get your ass up and fix what’s needed to be fixed instead of waiting for Taehyun to do it! Fix it yourself if you do not want to end up regretting a single day for years like me.”

Beomgyu was startled. He didn’t even have any second to comprehend what’s going on and he’s being pulled up from the couch already. Fuck it, he still even has drying tears.

“W-Wait!”

“Just go! Do not make the same mistake I did three years ago and go get Taehyun!” Cheered Yeonjun, laughing enthusiastically while pushing Beomgyu out of the house when the poor male is still so disoriented to protest, still wrapped in a blanket he almost tripped from.

_I hope you know there’s someone who will always love you, Soobin. Wherever you are, I hope you’re happy._

**Author's Note:**

> is this sad enough or....
> 
> might add some more if i feel like it or just leave it like this


End file.
